KEYNES jagger nathaniel

[jagger nathaniel keynes]

TELL US, JAGGER NATHANIEL KEYNES, TELL US EVERYTHING

HELLO, THERE. WE'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS
ABOUT YOURSELF. ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE WE START?
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"is this gonna take a while..? i have a list of things to do? do you want to see the list? no? good, it's private. haaa, no it's not really. i don't have a list. i wrote it all on the back of my hand. look, see that? -holds his hand out- yep, it says sleep. S-L-E-E-P. you're distracting me from the back of my eyelids, hurry up. i'm a busy man.."

LET'S START WITH THE BASICS. NAME, AGE, GRADE...
ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF THAT'D BE USEFUL.
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"ugggh, i'm jagger. jagger nathaniel keynes. -shrugs- i'm eighteen, but i enjoy leading people to think i'm a lot older. that's always fun. i'm also a senior. meaning we get the run of this place, kinda. i enjoy making the new kids carry my bags, you know? my arms get tired. my arms help a lot, they're like.. godly. i like that; jagger's godly arms. fuck off joseph and his techicolored fuckcoat, here comes jagger and his fucking hands.. hands? arms. jagger's arms."

OKAY, GREAT. NOW YOU'VE GOT PRECISELY TWO MINUTES
TO TELL US ALL ABOUT YOURSELF
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"..i'm an asshole. -laughs- i like to think that if you don't step on people and.. fuck them up the ass and.. eat.. them.. they.. tend to do it to you? i don't know.. but people don't tend to fuck with jagger keynes, because.. well, they just don't. i don't tend to tell anyone what i'm all about, because i'm not a fucking soft ass. i'm sexist, i'm racist, i'm a homophobe, i like tits and pussy and nothing else, i probably missed a important ass test the other day? i don't care- tell me a fart joke and i have your back. it's weird, and nobody shows me the back of their hand, everybody shuts the fuck up and listens to me. so.. so that's why i'm an asshole. this is confidential, yeah? okay.. okay. -nods- i'm a porn star.. family thing, really.. my parents met on a porn shoot, and they wanted fucking.. rich, glamorous kids with dicks up their asses. it's so fucking weird, god.. -groans-. i like pushing people over and slapping girl's asses and don't try to be my friend or get close to me or.. touch me in.. places. UNLESS you have big tits and you're covered in and not fat.. then go for it, i mean.. what could go wrong?"

NOW HOW ABOUT THAT LOVE LIFE OF YOURS?
WE HAVE TO ASK--IT'S A LEGAL THING TO KEEP TRACK OF COUPLES.
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"uh.. my job makes it hard to get a relationship going.. but i'm not bothered. i'm.. straight.. i think, ugh.. it's also hard to have a relationship with a girl when you get filmed with dick up your ass, right? i don't want a relationship.. they're pointless and stupid and boring and repeatitive. i just wanna blow some shit up and die having fun, and no tits are gonna get in the way of that, okay?"

MAN, I SWEAR I SAW YOU ON TV THE OTHER DAY! HMM,
NO WAIT. CAN'T BE. YOU LOOK WAY CRAPPIER. ANYWAY.
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"HAHAHAHHAAHA, yes! people say i look like alex gaskarth, that emo faggot that fucks aladdin, you know? it might be the eyebrows, or the hair or.. hahahaa. it's great, right? i'm.. i aaam.. i'm six foot tall, without my heels. but i'm just kidding, i don't wear high heels because i'm not gay. i'm also a fat ass- and my weight changes weakly. it's usually about 160 pounds, because jackie likes to drag me into lots of physical torture.. he calls it sport? dunno. my metabolism is also fucking.. the speed of light, yep. i've got a weird shaped nose and fucking ugly ass thick eyebrows, rodent teeth and i just look like an oversized ballsack. problem?"

HUH-UH. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET PERSONAL FOR A MINUTE HERE
WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, KID?
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"i am the biggest fucking gay alive.. i'm also a gay porn star- that's my secret. fuuucker."

THANK YOU! THIS HAS BEEN VERY ENLIGHTENING
NOW TELL ME ABOUT THE PUPPET MASTER AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY!
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HEY, PEOPLE! IT'S JAYDE HERE, WRITING THIS AS WE SPEAK
FROM BRISTOL, ENGLAND! PEOPLE WHO WANT TO CONTACT ME
JUST HAVE TO MSN: [e-mail]. FEEL LIKE YOU ALREADY
KNOW ME? THAT'S BECAUSE I ALSO PLAY THE MAGNIFICENT
FACTS LIKE A FLUTE.

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MATILDA, AKA GEE, IT'S MATILDA ! ON CAUTION 2.0,
MADE THIS APPLICATION. DUNSTEAL, AND EVERYONE
WILL BE HAPPY. "HAPPY AS A HIPPO." ALONG CAME P
OLLY, ANYONE? OKAY. I'M SHUTTING UP NOW. BAIBAI.

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